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Prompt #2

A picture is worth more than a blank page.  Take out those dusty photo albums.  Pick out photo #14.  Count however way you like, but make sure you stop at photo #14.  Look at the photo for 2-3 minutes.  Then for 10 minutes, write all the feelings that photograph made you feel.  Don't censor yourself.  Just write.

 This picture looks happy right?  Well, that is how most of my pictures appear.  But what you see is most definitely not what I am seeing when I look at them.  I remember the shit that was going on below the surface in those wonderful Kodak moments.  Take this photo. I was about 17 at the time and at a family Easter dinner with my boyfriend.  All was going well until I got into some altercation with said boyfriend.  I don't remember what it was even about but I remember it was bad.  I'm thinking he had cheated on me...again  Well, I had to wear my happy face for the family dinner (and this picture I remember) but we ended up sneaking out early to go back to his house and  "talk" and boy did we have it out!  I ended up having some kind of psychotic breakdown in which I ended up on the floor in their guest room crying and near hyperventilation.  Just like most things it wasn't the actual thing at hand that threw me over the edge.  It was just the last thing that tipped the pile causing another "episode".   Luckily, so I have learned, my boyfriend did not want to talk about why exactly I was crazy.  Once I was through I became numb again and then I could continue on with my day.  I remember having so many volatile fights with my high school boyfriend.  Crazy stuff.  Once when we were play fighting  it somehow became serious and it escalated to the point where I was chasing him through the house.  I had "kill" on my brain.  I was hitting at him for all I was worth but as we had ended up on his bed with me on top of him and his legs covering his chest and face all I was hitting was knees.  After a few seconds I remember just bursting into tears because I couldn't hurt him like I wanted to.  He told me later that it had actually really scared him.  I wanted to physically cause him harm on so many occasions.  Our relationship was so bipolar...when we were happy (which was a lot), we were really happy but when we were fighting it was a recipe for disaster on both our parts.   I'm not writing these things to brag but now that I am older and can look back I realize that while this relationship was certainly never boring it was extremely unhealthy.